I feel stupid doing this. Maybe everyone does at first. I don't know. Sometimes I hate writing on a computer because it's so easy to just Ctrl-A + backspace. With a pen and paper, I guess you can scribble it out, or use white out, or tear out the page, but you always know something was there. You can't do that on a computer, unless you promise yourself you won't delete anything. And I don't know if I'm willing to make that promise.
I hate making promises. See? I tried to delete that. Why? Am I scared? This whole thing is so stupid, but I need to get the thoughts out, I guess. That's why I'm in school for writing.
I never used to hate my job. I don't really hate it, but a good team goes a long way. I don't know. I love some of them, but I'm not sure about this store. I'm just not sure.
I really feel like none of this makes sense. Stop thinking about it, I guess. Just write. Just write.
I definitely prefer notebooks. I can carry them with me and just write everything down when the mood strikes. But I don't. Because I worry about keeping everything in one place, and a notebook or a journal will eventually run out of pages. I guess I don't have to worry about that with a blog, but then I run into all these other problems.
Writers will make an Olympic sport out of finding excuses not to write. Although, I don't like calling myself a writer. It sounds pretentious. "Aspiring ESL teacher" is a lot better. Maybe writer on the side. I don't know.
I'm in a place in my life where all of my thoughts are like this. I filled out those forms the doctor makes you fill out before you see a psychiatrist. You know, "how many days a week do you feel miserable" and then you check the box. I've filled them out so many times over the course of my life, and they always look the exact same. I don't like talking about my mental illnesses. It isn't as though I think I'm special, I know plenty of people have them. I don't want to drone on about me.
Even if it is my blog. Where I'm supposed to talk about my life.
This is stupid, right?
I wonder if someday I'll be happy and I won't need to lie to myself so much. I bet that's a nice feeling. That's why we go to the doctor, right? I guess.
Maye I should write about the things that make me happy. Erm. The Southeast Asian peninsula, for starters. I can't wait to teach there. Cambodia, Laos, Thailand and Vietnam fill my dreams. People talk about the heat, but coming from Canada, that sounds awesome to me. Others have said it isn't worth teaching there because they're poor countries. If anything, that simply makes me want to teach there more.
Tea makes me happy. Writing. Dogs and cats. Video games. Skeletons. Archaeology. History. I guess I could just keep listing stuff. But my anxiety is back and I might nap. Who knows if I'll ever use this site again.
Thanks for reading, if you did.